Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
