Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
