1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
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I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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