I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
