Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
