why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
