what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
