i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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