I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
