its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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