well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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