i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
