God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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