My brain says no but my pants say off.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
