How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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