I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
