omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
