I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
