clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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