I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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