I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
