at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
