he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
