The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
