I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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