I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
