Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
