Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
