May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I need a beard to bite.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
