Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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