We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
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Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
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New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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