I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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