when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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