His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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