i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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