Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
