if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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