I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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