so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
