Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
