Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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