On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I faked an abortion last night.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Randomize
