She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I pour the whiskey from now on
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
