I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
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I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
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She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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