oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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