i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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