Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
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I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
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Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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