i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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