As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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