apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
