bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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