i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
