He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
