Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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