i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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