Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
